It's been a while.. Forgot I had this blog, probably because I was is brutal bad form when I created it! One forgets a lot when one is just surviving day to day...
A lot better now thankfully. Not "on top of the world" or anything, but better... It's a long road, but there is always hope once you remain..., remain in the world.., all hope is lost if you take the "out" option...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Friday, October 2, 2009
The Demon that is Depression
Where to start and what to say about the demon that is depression. I speak only from my own experience and thankfully, like a boat slowly drifting away from its mooring, I have - with help, it has to be said - been able to set myself adrift from what once had me tied, in knots, not to, but under the mooring with my life ebbing away with every ripple.
I am sick and tired of people's ignorance towards this ILLNESS and when words such as "selfish" or "lazy" are used by some, particularly when speaking of suicide, I get very annoyed.
The fact is that nobody wants to die, they just don't want to live in pain anymore. Doesn't anyone get it?! "Don't want to live in pain anymore". Has anyone ever really thought about or tried to understand that. It is for that reason and the fact that its so difficult to carry out the tiniest of functions, that sleeping, with the hope of waking up and feeling better, is for a time the only option. There can come a time when the hope of waking up feeling better fades and it turns to hoping you won't wake up at all. It is not about death, its about being unable to live.
When you continue to wake up in turmoil, the ILLNESS that is depression has a way of taking over your mind and making you have thoughts of looking for a permanent way out of the state you are in. You try to override these thoughts as it were, and for a while say to yourself, "what the hell is wrong with you, you have it good compared to so many others". But its a hard fought battle and for some poor poor souls their mind is completely taken over by the bad thoughts, they loose the fight, the will to fight and the will to live.
I've always been a spiritual person, thankful for the smallest things and felt blessed in many ways. Why would I be thinking like this, why at some points would I not be able to think at all. I was drowning slowly. I hated the fact that this demon was fighting with me so of course I fought back for a long time, initially saying things like "I'm just tired" or "I'm just having a bad day".
Then you hear yourself saying one of those very things to a friend, and you realise you have been saying it for a very long time, months years, who knows, "I'm fine, I'm fine", but you know you are not fine.
How does a person open up and actually say to someone "I'm feeling very sad in myself, there are tears behind my eyes all the time and I'm fighting a loosing battle against some awful thoughts".
Who can you say it to, will they judge you, will they think you are weak. So many times the words "help me" are so close to coming out, but there is such fear attached to those words, that you keep them in and again say "I'm fine".
It's an extremely sad day when you come to the realisation that you are not "getting happy". You see, although always hopeful in your youth, you are not now and never really were happy in your heart and soul. You realise that you may have to accept that you suffer from depression - "is that it, am I depressed, is that why I've been feeling this way, is that why I feel removed from so many situations where people are laughing and joking and I have to put on a show so as not to seem moody.
Those who are fortunate enough to not suffer from an illness such as depression will never know that pain.
If someone has the flu, they may stay in bed, unable to get up, just wanting to sleep it away, so as not to feel any pain. This is of course acceptable and the patient will be looked after, with great sympathy.
I am sick and tired of people's ignorance towards this ILLNESS and when words such as "selfish" or "lazy" are used by some, particularly when speaking of suicide, I get very annoyed.
The fact is that nobody wants to die, they just don't want to live in pain anymore. Doesn't anyone get it?! "Don't want to live in pain anymore". Has anyone ever really thought about or tried to understand that. It is for that reason and the fact that its so difficult to carry out the tiniest of functions, that sleeping, with the hope of waking up and feeling better, is for a time the only option. There can come a time when the hope of waking up feeling better fades and it turns to hoping you won't wake up at all. It is not about death, its about being unable to live.
When you continue to wake up in turmoil, the ILLNESS that is depression has a way of taking over your mind and making you have thoughts of looking for a permanent way out of the state you are in. You try to override these thoughts as it were, and for a while say to yourself, "what the hell is wrong with you, you have it good compared to so many others". But its a hard fought battle and for some poor poor souls their mind is completely taken over by the bad thoughts, they loose the fight, the will to fight and the will to live.
I've always been a spiritual person, thankful for the smallest things and felt blessed in many ways. Why would I be thinking like this, why at some points would I not be able to think at all. I was drowning slowly. I hated the fact that this demon was fighting with me so of course I fought back for a long time, initially saying things like "I'm just tired" or "I'm just having a bad day".
Then you hear yourself saying one of those very things to a friend, and you realise you have been saying it for a very long time, months years, who knows, "I'm fine, I'm fine", but you know you are not fine.
How does a person open up and actually say to someone "I'm feeling very sad in myself, there are tears behind my eyes all the time and I'm fighting a loosing battle against some awful thoughts".
Who can you say it to, will they judge you, will they think you are weak. So many times the words "help me" are so close to coming out, but there is such fear attached to those words, that you keep them in and again say "I'm fine".
It's an extremely sad day when you come to the realisation that you are not "getting happy". You see, although always hopeful in your youth, you are not now and never really were happy in your heart and soul. You realise that you may have to accept that you suffer from depression - "is that it, am I depressed, is that why I've been feeling this way, is that why I feel removed from so many situations where people are laughing and joking and I have to put on a show so as not to seem moody.
Those who are fortunate enough to not suffer from an illness such as depression will never know that pain.
If someone has the flu, they may stay in bed, unable to get up, just wanting to sleep it away, so as not to feel any pain. This is of course acceptable and the patient will be looked after, with great sympathy.
On the other hand a person who has been diagnosed with depression can't face the day, they too want to sleep, but they are not coughing or sneezing, their symptom's are not visible, and so, to some, they are just plain lazy, the ignorance of such comments saddens me greatly.
A depressed person can wake up in the morning, and suddenly, with what feels like a massive bolt they realise that the awful dread is there; "how am I going to get through the day"?, "I don't know if I can", those thoughts are there, you don't want it to be so, but you have an illness that takes over your way of thinking, functioning and feeling - that my friend is what a mental illness can do to you. It's not a choice or a decision, it is an illness, a mental illness, from which so many people suffer, and believe me... suffer we do.
If you suffer from Depression and haven't sought help, please do so as soon as possible. Take the brave step of just speaking to ONE person, someone that cares about you and that you trust. That in itself can be the biggest task, in hearing yourself saying it to someone you will feel a little more secure. That person can and will help you towards the road to stability and recovery. With time you CAN and Will recover.
If you know someone suffering from depression, do not be quick to judge, anyone can have bouts of, or suffer from it, and unless you experience it, you have no right to judge. Be a good listener, you don't have to have answers, most people have to look for answers themselves, its part of the journey, just show that you care by listening.
There is hope, there is light, look towards it and it will, with time, catch your eye....
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